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My Char
Jul 23, 2008 0:10:07 GMT -5
Post by Sakura Star on Jul 23, 2008 0:10:07 GMT -5
Name: Sakura Star
Age: 22
Gender: female
Race: Human
Side: Military
Official Name: Cherry Storm
Rank: Major
Alchemy: She has a staff that has a cricle on it and she uses it to call up the power of vines or leaves or roots to trip up the people the roots go in the ground and come up in the earth and when people when they try to run they will fall and trip.
Abilities: She can get info from anyone she can act sweet to them and then ask them what info they have, then keep acting sweet to get the rest of the info.
Then she walks away with a sweet smile keeping cool she take what she has learned to the other people, that are looking for the info She knows a lot of things about books,items,stones,medican,people that she has learend over the years when she has been traveling.
Weapons: A staff that has a circle on it so when she calls her alchemy the circle will power up and it will go to her staff,that is how she will fight the people. She carries her staff around her neck like a charm on a neckless.
The staff is a wooden staff with the circle near the top of the staff where she hold it, its painted light purple it hangs from a chain around her neck.
When she wants to use it she pulls it off the chain and bring it out,it has a circle on the top attached with a star charm to help hold it in place,so no one knows what it it really is. She got the staff from her mom, it was a gift from her it was hers when she used it back in the day,when she was fighting so when she got older she passed it down to her. and that is how she got the staff today.
Relationship Status: Single
Family: Family Members-Her Mom and Dad are alive and live back at the house where she lives her moms name is Jewel and her dads name is Lextion but people call her dad Lex for short.
Jewel,her mom is a kind and sweet person, she is around her middle 40 she is a great cook,and a great house keeper she help out around the town by taking baked goods to the local food shelter.
Lextion,her dad is about she same age he is a lumberjack and help the town to bring in wood for the town and helps with some of the work around the town.he a nice guy and evey one loves him he a very friendly to all the town people.
She is very close to her mom and dad she loves them very much she once got into trouble,she went to to woods and went to the river to swim she had her nice dress outfit on. When she came back home she got in so much trouble,that she had to beat the rugs and help around the house and not go play that day.
She also has a gold heart locket around her neck,with a picture of her mom and dad and her in it Animal Companion: Name:White Star
race:Wolf
gender:Female
age:5
how long:all her life she found her as a pup and raised her
When she walk around town or goes any where she look like a wolf,but she stays by sakura side and walks around town very calmly when people see the wolf they look at it and then go about there day.
Star is a very nice wolf she would never hurt any one unless she was attacked or was in a battle over food.other than that she is a very kind wolf,she has brown eyes that shine when she is happy.
Physical Descriptions: Body type:She is thin and her skin color is white,she has a star shaped bitrhmark on her left arm. she has long brown hair and brown eyes,she has a clip in her hair to hold back some of it. She is on the short side a little bit,she hates being called short it really makes her mad when she is called name. she also has a quick temper when it come to name calling,she gets really mad about it.
Her colthing style is lose outfits,dresses, costumes,she also love to dress up in fancy outfits,she can dress all most like any one to match where she is,she also makesher own outfits out if things she finds.
Clothing style: lose out fits,dresses,costumes,also a gold locket around her neck with her mom and dad
Personality: Likes:She likes travel all over and see new things she has seen many things in her life she has been many different places,that no one has heard about. she can also make her voice sound like the tone of the people,that are in the city around her. She also finds out info about,books,stones,people,or rare items,that people are looking for.
She does have some bad things she does have a hot head some times.that will get her into trouble some times, she gets her self out of it but other times. she gets in way to over her head. she gets into major trouble,some of the time she can get out of some trouble,other times it go haywire she gets stuck with what she did.
dislikes:She really does not like stroms,seeing her friends get hurt.she does not like loseing in a battle or geting beat at a game, or bet also,hates to left alone because she thinks that everyone does not like her any more. she hates to see any one killed,or to be takeing to jai because of some thing they did not do it it was not there fault The thing she hates the most is some one geting beat up,on she will jump in to help them no matter what the cause is she also doesn't care if she gets beat up,because she will fight for the person freedom,and help the person out because she things that freedom is the bes part of live.
attitude:Sweet, kind, helpful playful,joyful all around joyful she also loves to make people laugh if they are sad,mad,upset,or lost some thing really speical to them.
She has a kind heart and a soft heart that what makes her the peorson that she is,sometimes she has a quick temper and can get mad really fast,when people call her short or pick on her or her friends.
She can talk to much somethimes,that gets her in trouble with people sometimes that is why they get mad at her but other times it nice to here a nice voice or a nice things come from her. She also has a hardhead,and never lets any thing go she will get her way most of the time but some times it back fires on her. She hates it when people call her short because she is on the short side,it bugs the heck out of her to here that she was called short or any thing of the sort.
Sakura hates milk that is why she is so short,she still get very mad when people call her short or they give her milk and say"this will help make you grow"she takes it and pours it out some times she will drink it when no one is around,she likes it but to other people she hates it.
goals in life:To go everywhere and do everything there is to do in life also try to find some one to love or be a really close friend to like a big sis or a girlfriend. or just to help any one out in need she wants to make eveyone happy that she can. That is the best part of her she always want to try her best, and make as many friends that she can.
Background: Sakura grew up in a small town with cherry trees all around her, she had a great childhood becasue her mom and dad were all ways around the town she had her mom to look up to as a role model her mom was a statealchemist.
When she was little she studyed alchemy with her mom untill she when to fight for the army,then her life got turned up side down she knew that she had to be strong for her she knows why she went to the army was to proect her family,friends and try to stop the war.
Sakura had a lot of friends when she was little she did have one person that was all ways the best of them all her name was aventura.
She always picked on her and called her name she was fast and strong so she always picked on sakura becasue she was on the short side.
That is why she got picked on her friends stood behind her and help her when she got picked on,she had lots of good friends when she was little that is why she had a good childhood when she was little.
She did have some troubles growing up her mom was never home some of the times,when she went to the war she would stay in her room and not come out untill she came back.
She got sick one day her dad took care of her when she was little when he told her mom,she came home and droped out of the army to be with her to take care of her. when she got older she went into the the army to finish what her mom started becasue,she fells like her mom missed her chance to stop the way becasuse of her so she joined to help her mom's dream also to show her mom that she is strong.
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My Char
Jul 23, 2008 7:29:22 GMT -5
Post by Brittz Violet on Jul 23, 2008 7:29:22 GMT -5
I'm NOT an admin, so I have no say in this at all, but seeing as the other admins are usually busy I'll just point out a few things to you that I Suggest you fix, just to help you and Winry out =D
-Somethings you should elaborate on, I'm sure she has a much bigger history that you can write, Mine takes up pages. I'm sure your character would be disappointed to see she has such a small background.
-You have quite a lot of run on sentences, periods are your friends =D
-I'm not to sure if Angels are aloud, I don't recall them ever appearing in Amestris before, but I do know Chimeras are, perhaps a chimera would be a better explanation? But of course, I'm NOT an admin, so check with Winry about it =D Also check with Edward & Alphonse about traveling with them.
-Cool, another plant alchemist besides Fletcher & Russel =]
thats all I have to say, wait for Winry's final word though, like I said, I'm not an Admin, these are just helpful tips.
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My Char
Jul 23, 2008 10:21:07 GMT -5
Post by Edward Elric on Jul 23, 2008 10:21:07 GMT -5
Um I'm not accepting this follow what Brittzz said, one no angels, if your an angel then how can she be human? and Vice versa chimera yes but angel no. And because you didn't even bother to pm me about your so called travelling with me I'm going to denie you that, at least ask someone before you just put down you travelled with them, everyone else had the manners to pm me if they wanted something to do with my character why don't you have any manners?
Change the following. -Angel = change it to either human chimera or homunculus I'm sure there wasn't an option of being a so called angel. -Personality = Where the heck is her personality? Does she not have a personality? If so then that sucks. -Please can you use paragraphs and not bullets it makes it much easier to read thanks. -As for physical description well can you please put it into paragraphs? - Um change this why is she such a great person? How does she get information? Why is it she can jump so far? Why can she run so fast? - Like Brittzz said you have a lot and I mean alot of run on sentences, you also use alot of 'and', 'but' and 'she is' write it like a story if your grammar is that bad, and you can only put in this much effort into your character sheet then I don't see why your character should be accepted, if this is the way your going to roleplay as well then I do not want anything to do with your chatracter I like my threads to be of some sort of structure, I mean Kusan's posts aren't that long but at least Kusan tried on his profile and in his posts.
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My Char
Jul 23, 2008 14:40:42 GMT -5
Post by Sakura Star on Jul 23, 2008 14:40:42 GMT -5
well it all better i hope it works
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My Char
Jul 23, 2008 18:18:34 GMT -5
Post by Admin on Jul 23, 2008 18:18:34 GMT -5
-sigh- at least i know i have members/admins who are helpful ^^V
Ok. I don't know what the profile looked like before they posted this two you but i still see some things that need adjustments. Most of your discriptions are still very spacy and need some filling in and elabrization[sorry i can't spell]. Paragraph form please and thank you.
~WINRY
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My Char
Jul 23, 2008 22:42:46 GMT -5
Post by Sakura Star on Jul 23, 2008 22:42:46 GMT -5
i made it a lot better now i think its right now i don't know much about the form but i think its the right way i hope this is the right one ;D
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My Char
Jul 24, 2008 6:54:50 GMT -5
Post by Brittz Violet on Jul 24, 2008 6:54:50 GMT -5
Sorry to be writing on here again, But I know the other Admins come on later. Try some periods and capitals, it seems stilll like a long run on sentence, and she seems a bit like a Mary-Sue, add a few bad qualities to her aswell. For example you see ed with his automail, stubborn-ness & hot headed-ness, soft heart, age, and his height all [at times] being bad qualities at him, but his strengths at the same time. Add some of that =D
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My Char
Jul 24, 2008 13:04:46 GMT -5
Post by Sakura Star on Jul 24, 2008 13:04:46 GMT -5
its ok its fine it help me learn about my char and whan i should do
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My Char
Jul 24, 2008 19:16:54 GMT -5
Post by Riza Hawkeye on Jul 24, 2008 19:16:54 GMT -5
Okay looks like this profile is causing alot of commotion xD. Let me help? (I am NOT an Admin, and I can NOT approve and/or decline this application.)
I'm trying to help you improve, so I'm giving you a little harsh critique.
Her Alchemy; I think it's a little queer that they would let make this 'Sakura,' a state alchemist because she can control flowers? I understand natural forces, and the earth, but flowers? In my opinion, if you should choose such an akward form of alchemy, at least elaborate some. Most transmutations use an alchemy circle, not a staff. Maybe an inscribed circle upon the staff? Try to make at least sound more interesting.
Her Abilities; Okay, so she can get information. Does she use alchemy to do it? Does she use a charming accent? Bribe, Threat? Please be a little more specific. I see a possible idea here, but you should, once more, elaborate so we can full understand the concept of her abilities.
Her Weapon; Again with her staff, she should have some sort of transmutation circle on it, if it's was causes her to have the power to control flowers. Also, how about a description of the staff, so we know how it looks like? Does she carry it around all time, or keep it in her purse or something? You should add some details to make sure thlis staff is personal, especially since it helps her perform alchemy.
Her Family; This is absolutely vague. She has a mom, a dad. Are they still alive? Maybe ages or names? Try to add a little more personality. Maybe her relationship with her parents? Did she ever get into any troubles with them?
Her Pet; Well it's a wolf, or is it a dog? They are entirely different and your story of it being a wolf but looking like a dog didn't make much sense to me. Choose one animal, and elaborate on it's personality and such.
Her Physical Description; Absolutely horribly, organized. There are plenty of instances where there are bad grammar, or I can't read it because it's typed wierdly. The whole description is kind of akward and disconnected, and it seems like it's missing something. Try to make sure it's complete and exactly how you imagine Sakura.
Her Personality; She sounds alot like a mary sue. She seems a little too perfect to be possible. Like Brittz said, try to make her have faults, because everyone hates perfect people. She seems a bit too girly and seems to be the picture of innocence. Just like the physical description, please try to use better puncuation and grammar.
Her Background; This is totally incomplete. What about her childhood before becoming a state alchemist? How did she become interested in alchemy, how did she live growing up as a child? Did she have any troubles to over come or any enimies? There are plenty of things that need to be improved about this background.
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My Char
Jul 25, 2008 22:49:50 GMT -5
Post by Sakura Star on Jul 25, 2008 22:49:50 GMT -5
i hope this is better i made it the best that i can
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My Char
Jul 26, 2008 8:37:56 GMT -5
Post by Brittz Violet on Jul 26, 2008 8:37:56 GMT -5
Unfortunately its still a bunch of run on sentences. When I read it its as if I'm reading someone talk super fast, there aren't any breaks unless its a 'new paragraph'. Instead of :
it should be:
Sakura grew up in a small town with cherry trees all around her. She a great childhood.Elaborate here? Why?}Her mom was a state alchemist when she was little. but She did have a rival that was just as good at things that as she was and always got the best of her. But she had a good Childhood life, having fun and making friends.
^^That's how the first background paragraph SHOULD look. and it should be elaborated a good amount to. If you look around the site most people have semi descriptive histories, even mine and my character lost her memory! I'm sure this isn't the best you can do, you just need to push yourself. This site has a range of members, some shorter posters than others, but you need to have the ability to be one of the long posters, even Fabiola can and English is her second language!
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My Char
Jul 26, 2008 12:57:40 GMT -5
Post by Sakura Star on Jul 26, 2008 12:57:40 GMT -5
i hope its a lot better now
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My Char
Jul 26, 2008 16:33:30 GMT -5
Post by Admin on Jul 26, 2008 16:33:30 GMT -5
-ahem-
Let me step in guys. Thank you for your help though. -smiles-
Since we've had to give you many pointers for your profile, and you've been a great sport about it all i think your profile just might be ready for acceptance. Though i do still see a few problems among some of your discription of the character, and the background bit i think its improved greatly. So long as your role playing isn't like your profile was before we gave you these pointers. Please try to keep to paragraph form and at least two if possible.
~Winry
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My Char
Jul 26, 2008 16:40:06 GMT -5
Post by Sakura Star on Jul 26, 2008 16:40:06 GMT -5
thank you thank you this was my first time in a while so i will make it better i mean a long time for a while but thanks for all the help
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My Char
Jul 29, 2008 8:12:58 GMT -5
Post by Edward Elric on Jul 29, 2008 8:12:58 GMT -5
I have to say it looks a lot better than it was before.
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